CAST OF ALL-FEMALE JAWS ANNOUNCED

Emma Stone, who spilled the beans at this years Golden Globes, confirmed on her twitter page today that she will be fronting the cast of an all-female Jaws – this reporter has learned. She will be joined by screen veterans Viola Davis (The Help, Prisoners) and Sissy Spacek (Get Low, Four Christmases). Negotiations are still in the development phase, but the exciting trio of Hollywood actresses are expected to sign on for the shark-hunting remake of the Steven Spielberg classic eat-’em-up. A shoot is already scheduled for the Connecticut coast in the summer of 2016.

The Jaws reboot has endured a hazardous development process, largely because I just made it up and many people do not actually want to see it. Original director Steven Spielberg attempted to offer his help on the reboot, but producers insisted that no actual integrity remain attached to the reboot property.

It was suggested that the Jaws reboot could instead be an additional Jaws sequel, tying it to a rich history and already existing mythos, but producers dismissed that as the same reason and logic that has long plagued other such successful m̶u̶r̶d̶e̶r̶s remakes of cinematic franchises, such as The Karate Kid, The Bad News Bears, and The Pink Panther.

“Why an all-female cast?” asked this reporter, to which the producer responded, “We needed to find a way to make more money with an already existing franchise, because new ideas make our heads hurt. By spicing things up with an all-female cast, we will convince people we are promoting social agenda rather than farming their money.”

“Shouldn’t you just write better, more numerous, and more varied roles for all women – not just recycle properties with the gimmick of an all-female cast?” asked this reporter. It was at this point that my brief interview was terminated. The producer’s assistant informed me he had an opening of When Harry Met Sally The Musical to attend.