Ladies and Gentleman, we are about to enter a dark time. A time where idiocy, incompetence, laziness and cynicism are the norm. A time where souls will be crushed, dreams shattered, and innocence lost. Hope and joy will be left in the wings while boredom and despair will take center stage. I’m speaking of the month of January, the cinematic wasteland, the garbage dump for studios. Deal with this fact now: nothing good will come out in January, for nothing ever does. To misquote and bastardize my favorite poem, “the best films will lack all conviction while the worst will be full of passionate intensity. And what rough beast, its hour come round at last, slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?”
If you think I’m making things seem worse that they are, you’re wrong. The only good movies to come out in January will be ones that have already seen a limited release in December. These include Inherent Vice, American Sniper and A Most Violent Year. Everything else will be dreck. This is a guarantee. Things will improve slightly in February but it won’t be till March or April we start seeing real good films again. So, this is an attempt to figure out which January film will be the least painful to sit through. Based on my calculations, my advice is this: don’t go to the movies for 31 days. Stay home, read a book, play a video-game, jerk off, rob a bank. If you do go, see something you missed from 2014 like Whiplash or Birdman or even Into the Woods. You’re not going to listen to me though are you? Sigh. Well, if I can’t stop you from going I can at least try to help you determine which movie won’t make you want to gouge your eyes out of your head. I make no guarantees though. Anyway, here we go. Abandon all hope ye who enter here.
January 2nd
The Woman in Black 2: The Angel of Death
WHAT’S IT ABOUT?
A sequel to the inexplicably successful first film that starred Daniel Radcliffe, this film finds a group of schoolchildren and their teacher fleeing London during World War 2 and hiding out in, you guessed it, the home of the title character. Presumably, she tries to kill everybody or take them away to another dimension or whatever the hell she does. And the schoolteacher will have to face some half-baked demons from her past to save the day. There will be jump scares, period costumes, bad acting, and a cliffhanger ending to set up The Woman in Black 3: Electric Boogalo.
HOW MUCH WILL IT SUCK?
Oh my, quite a lot. It’s obviously nothing more than a cash grab like Annabelle and will probably feature all the same problems: no supporting characters, no engaging plot points, no genuine scares, and no soul. But since it’s a cheap horror movie and people are idiots, it will more than make back its budget on opening weekend. Please people, don’t support it. There were so many good horror movies this year it would hurt the genre to make this one a hit. Rent The Babadook instead.
January 9th
Taken 3
WHAT’S IT ABOUT?
Oh what the hell does it matter what the specifics are? Liam Neeson kills a bunch of bad guys because reasons. Whatever.
HOW MUCH WILL IT SUCK?
It will probably be good for a few chuckles at least. When I saw the trailer in a theater, nearly everyone in the audience was laughing at it. That was encouraging. If you want to get drunk and go see this with some friends so you can shout at the screen, it might not be a bad time. But then again, do you really want to pay $13 to do that? Just wait till it’s on Netflix.
January 16th
Blackhat
WHAT’S IT ABOUT?
Michael Mann’s latest stars Chris Hemsworth as a master hacker tasked with hunting down a cyber criminal who is using his computer skills to cause all kinds of mischief.
HOW MUCH WILL IT SUCK?
Probably the least of any movie on this list. Mann is usually a good filmmaker and the trailer isn’t bad. Then again, his last two movies, Miami Vice and Public Enemies, were both terrible. I’m also concerned about the film’s understanding of the internet, particularly from Mann’s perspective. Is this movie gonna be like your grandfather trying to explain what hacking is? If so, we’re in trouble. This also has the air of a movie that was supposed to come out for awards season until the studio looked at it and said, “oh hell no, this is crap, bury it in January.”
The Wedding Ringer
WHAT’S IT ABOUT?
Oh Jesus. I promise I’m not making this up. Kevin Hart plays an evil con-man who runs a company that provides ‘best man services’ for losers with no friends who have somehow found a woman dumb enough to marry them. Josh Gad plays his latest client and they become genuine friends as they deceive a bunch innocent people. There are also goofy dance numbers.
HOW MUCH WILL IT SUCK?
I think it may have been made by Satan himself. If you think this thing looks good, I don’t want to know you. Because that means that you are rooting for a bunch of HORRIBLE HUMAN BEINGS. This awful premise might have worked if the movie treated its main characters as the soulless monsters that they are but judging from the trailer, it wants us to actually like them and forgive them their trespasses because they learn a bullshit, tacked on lesson about friendship. What a cynical, disgusting idea for a movie. Josh Gad’s bride to be should not only dump him, she should fucking kill him. Oh, and of course he’s marrying a gorgeous woman way out of his league. Cuz that’s the norm in Hollywood! Men can only marry supermodels! God, everything about this movie makes me sick.
Spare Parts
WHAT’S IT ABOUT?
George Lopez stars in the ‘true story’ of a science teacher who helped a bunch of inner city kids win some robot competition.
HOW MUCH WILL IT SUCK?
They’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel with these ‘inspirational teacher helps some poor kids’ movies aren’t they? I imagine Hollywood executives going through local newspapers looking for any story that fits that basic premise. What’s next? Felicia Day as a math teacher who inspires her students to win a video game competition? Oh wait, I forgot to answer the main question of how much will it suck. Uh… well it stars George Lopez so you do the math.
January 23rd
The Boy Next Door
WHAT’S IT ABOUT?
Jennifer Lopez plays a divorcee who has an affair with a teenager who turns out to be psychotic. Sort of a spin on Fatal Attraction I guess.
HOW MUCH WILL IT SUCK?
Honestly, the trailer is sort of amazing. In a laughably horrible way of course. The scene where Nutty Boy comes over when Lopez’s ex husband and kid are having breakfast looks like a real highlight. She slept with him the night before you see and when her ex asks about the weather, Nutty Boy says, “Oh it got pretty wet here last night.” THAT IS INCREDIBLE. Someone actually got paid money to write that line, an actor actually recited it, and an editor actually put it in the movie. I kinda can’t wait to see this trainwreck. Not in the theater though, oh no. But this might make a fine Netflix double feature if it’s accompanied by Taken 3.
Mortdecai
WHAT’S IT ABOUT?
Johnny Depp stars as an eccentric art dealer with a stupid mustache who goes on whacky adventures while trying to recover a stolen painting or something. Honestly, I’m not sure. As soon as Johnny Depp started talking in another annoying accent, I tuned the rest of the trailer out.
HOW MUCH WILL IT SUCK?
Do you really have to ask that question?
Strange Magic
WHAT’S IT ABOUT?
Some animated shit about fairies, elves, and goblins fighting over a magic stone. Based on a story idea from George Lucas.
HOW MUCH WILL IT SUCK?
I couldn’t even make it through the full trailer. It was that boring. The animation looks cheap, the jokes don’t land, and the plot seems incomprehensible. It’ll be one of those animated flicks like Gnomeo and Juliet that no one remembers an hour after they saw it.
January 30th
Wild Card
WHAT’S IT ABOUT?
Jason Statham stars as a security consultant with a gambling addiction who helps a woman kill the gangster who beat her up while trying to get out of the game with one last ‘big score’. Based on a novel by William Goldman.
HOW MUCH WILL IT SUCK?
It looks boring, unfocused, and lazy. Like Statham is trying to make his own version of The Gambler while adding in a bunch of fight scenes. I think I’m even gonna advise hardcore Statham fans to stay away from this one. Watch Snatch again instead.
Project Almanac
WHAT’S IT ABOUT?
A found footage thriller (joy) about a bunch of teenagers who make a time machine and suffer grave repercussions. In other words, it’s Chronicle but with time travel instead of superpowers.
HOW MUCH WILL IT SUCK?
I don’t know. I thought Chronicle looked terrible but it wound up being quite good. Then again, the trailer is not great and it seems very derivative. Maybe it’ll be a fresh take. Don’t go rushing to the theater though.
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