The ABC’s of Death 2 is a horror anthology of 26 short films by different directors. They were each given a letter of the alphabet, complete creative freedom, and about 3-5 minutes of screen time. Watching the film is like having 26 psychopaths tell you the craziest, most fucked up stories they can think of in rapid succession. In fact, this isn’t a film you watch so much as a film you experience . It’s one of the nuttiest experiments in the history of horror cinema. Reviewing the movie as a whole and declaring it good or bad is next to impossible. None of the shorts are linked in any way, there’s no cohesive theme to hang onto, and they vary from being terrible to being brilliant. However, I will say that I enjoy watching these films if only because I am a psychotic fan of horror and like being assaulted by the genre. Lesser horror fans should stay away and maybe just seek out some of the better shorts when they inevitably go up on YouTube. On the whole, I’d say this sequel is slightly less successful than the first one. I think I liked more of the shorts in the first film and some of the bad ones here offended me deeply. So, rather than give my general opinion of the film as a whole, I present to you my unedited notes on each short film. That’s right; I sat down with a pen and pencil and took notes. Mainly because it’s the only way for me to remember all the stories. 26 is not a small number and, even as I transcribed my notes, I had a hard time remembering some of them. What follows is my uncensored, unfiltered thoughts on each film accompanied by the title and the director. Hopefully, this will give you some insight on what it’s like to actually sit through this movie and provide a glimpse into my fucked up head. The ABC’s of Death 2 is available to rent on demand now and opens in theaters October 24th. Away we go!
WARNING: Minor spoilers below. Also, lots of foul language.
A is for Amateur by EL Katz
-Cool 80’s score, nice quick cuts.
-Who is this guy? Why is he shooting?
-Oh, he’s a hitman.
-Moving fast here, cuts are crazy quick.
-AND…tits. Jesus that didn’t take long. Wonder if that was a requirement for the first film.
-Movie producer probably told director, “You gotta get nudity in there right away! Who cares if it’s not important to the plot? If there’s no nudity, people won’t sit through the whole thing!”
-Wait a minute, what happened? I was writing too much.
-Shit, gotta rewind now. Funny how we still say rewind.
-God, Amazon Instant needs to fix this feature.
-Great. ‘Buffering’ now. What a horrible word, buffering.
-Gotta try to keep these notes short.
-We’re back! I saw this part already. He’s shooting targets. FIX THE REWIND FEATURE AMAZON!
-LOVE THIS SCORE! Very eighties.
-Huh? THEY’RE REWINDING NOW? Why? He already killed the guy! What are we gonna see the story from a different angle?
-HA HA HA HA!!! IT WAS A FANTASY! The best laid plans!
-Oh wow, this is funny. And appropriately gruesome.
-HOLY SHIT HE ACCOMPLISHED HIS MISSION. Hilarious!
-GREAT START!!
B is for Badger by Julian Barrat
-Oh a nature show. With a chatty host. Easy way to get exposition out I guess.
-Why wouldn’t the cameraman cut?
-Ok, these characters are too stupid, this is too broad, and no cameraman is this incompetent.
-Is the badger gonna eat somebody already?
-Jesus people, don’t mistake idiocy for wit.
-STUPID SHOT OF NOTHING! Typical found footage bullshit.
-Just show me a goddamn mutated badger!
-UGH. This banter is not funny.
-Fuck you, I didn’t even get a badger.
C is for Capital Punishment by Julian Gilby
-All of these films have been British so far.
-Small town. Mob justice. Okay, I get the point.
-What’s the twist here?
-Looks nice at least.
-Is this supposed to be a piss take on small villages?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, it’s hard to chop off a head. I already learned that from Game of Thrones.
-Pointless.
D is for Deloused by Robert Morgan
-Animation! YAY!
-Dude kinda looks like Freddy Krueger.
-EW GROSS!
-What are the hell are these people supposed to be? Creepy bugs?
-Or maybe zombies?
-Ok this is weird.
-Why the skull transfusion?
-He’s looking into a bug’s asshole.
-Now he has a knife arm.
-Is this about totalitarianism?
-‘You Pay For Life’, what’s that mean?
-There’s an evil teddy bear thing I think. It’s in the bug’s ass and now it’s eating severed heads.
-I’m very confused.
-I have no idea what happened but it was…different!
-I’ll have to think about this one.
E is for Equilibrium by Alejandro Brucues
-First fart joke.
-Nice Castaway reference.
-These guys look like the Geico caveman. That’s not a good thing.
-I hope she’s a mermaid.
-Damn, she’s not.
-Like the music here.
-First silent film.
-This is engaging, like the way time is passing.
-Interesting use of a deserted Island setting
-AND it ends with misogyny and a dumb joke about beer.
-NOPE.
F is for Falling by Aharon Keshales and Nevot Papushado
-Cool opening shot with the tree.
-Is this gonna be like that Scuba Diver urban legend? From Magnolia?
-No.
-Don’t shoot her please. Don’t rape her please.
-What?! This is about Israel and Palestine?! WOW.
-Good banter here.
-Why can’t she get out of the tree? Aren’t soldiers trained to do that?
-I like both of these characters. Who is gonna kill who?
-Wow, sort of operatic and tragic.
-Very good.
G is for Granddad by Jim Hosking
-Brits again.
-Christ, I hate both of these guys.
-Stop making that face! And comb your hair!
-STOP DROOLING!!! It’s not funny!
-Yes, you young prick you’re right, this is ‘embarrassing’.
-Somebody die please.
-You’re both twats!
-Oh the old man said ‘fuck’. How hilarious.
-What?! WHAT THE FUCK?! WHY IS HIS GRANDDAD IN HIS BED? AHHHHH!!! WHY GOD WHY?!
-End please. I don’t like this at all.
-Oh great, he has no dick. Just end.
-Thank you.
H is for Head Games by Bill Plympton
-Animation again. Yay?
-What’s with the long necks?
-This is like an animator’s demo reel.
-This whole movie is making me tired.
-The man and woman are being consumed by eyes, blood, and mucus?
-Milk too?
-Relationships hurt you? Consume you? Is that supposed to be the point here?
-Why am I even looking for a point?
-What a waste.
I is for Invincible by Erik Mati
-Oh hello Asian cinema! I’ve been waiting for you! You’re nuts.
-Like the way this one just plunges you into the madness.
-I guess their grandmother is immortal. What’s with this movie and evil grandparents?
-This is like an insane Tales from the Crypt episode.
-These bickering idiots are funny.
-OF COURSE SHE’S STILL ALIVE!
-Didn’t really go anywhere but zany fun.
J is for Jesus by Dennison Ramalho
-Why is he spying on these guys? Is he a stalker? A jilted lover?
-Oh a PI. Ok.
-Rich guy hates his gay son, I guess?
-These preachers are kinda funny and scary.
-And now they’re demons?
-He’s got stigmata? Yeah I guess so. Just go with it.
-Nice juxtaposition between happy times and awful times.
-OH COOL, his lover is back!
-YES!! YES!! Kill those homophobic fucks!!
-USE THE UPSIDE DOWN CROSS ON THEM!!!
-YESSSS!!!!!
-Oh this is fun! Great creature design!
-‘Love is the Law’. Nice.
-HA! HA! Awesome.
K is for Knell by Kristvall Buozyte and Bruno Samper
-Ok, we’re painting toenails. The directors do know they have less than five minutes to tell a story right?
-Why is there a giant black ball of liquid in the sky?! Looks like something out of Evangelion.
-OH! Is this an apocalypse story? PLEASE BE AN APOCALYPSE STORY.
-Yep.
-HOLY SHIT, this is Rear Window times 50!
-BARRICADE YOUR FUCKING DOOR LADY!
-I actually like this weird nail polish motif now.
-Jesus, this is creepy. Great imagery.
-Is her identity consumed now?
-Not sure what happened at the end. Cool though.
L is for Legacy by Lancelot Imasuen
-On no, slavery?
-Nope. Human sacrifice. Great.
-Looks like an old 70’s movie.
-Stop looking into the camera old man!
-Whoa! Is that supposed to be a rat monster?
-Did it turn her to stone?
-These are some cheap ass effects.
-I have no idea what happened.
-NOPE.
M is for Masticate by Robert Boocheck
-Zombie?
-Like the weird sixties soundtrack.
-I’m waiting for him to bite someone.
-There we go.
-The slow motion is getting tiresome.
-HA! HA! HA! Say no to drugs kids!
-Oh man, did that take place in Florida? I hope so.
-Awesome ending.
N is for Nexus by Larry Fessenden
-Fucking found footage. Goddamnit.
-Thank god we’re out of it.
-Some interesting style choices here.
-Cabbie’s gonna hit somebody.
-I hate that camera trick where it’s attached to the front of a person. It’s annoying. Only worked on Breaking Bad.
-Nice You’re Next reference.
-The text messages are kinda cool, I guess.
-Eh.
O if for Ochlocracy (Mob Rule) by Hajine Oltatta
-Um…this court is made up of zombies.
-‘Apparent Death Syndrome’ HA!
-Oh this is clever. Surprised they’ve never done this in the zombie genre before.
-Better metaphors than True Blood. That’s not saying much though.
-Oh, that’s fucked up! Maybe that crazy little girl from The Walking Dead was right.
-“Mommy, why didn’t you bury me?” Chills.
-Creepy and funny.
P is for P-P-P-P Scary by Tood Rohal
-Three convicts with stupid noses in a dark void.
-Is this supposed to be a Three Stooges sketch?
-I’m not laughing.
-Stop saying puppy! Why do you keep saying puppy? Stop shouting!
-Now it’s three convicts, a man, and a baby.
-What the fuck? What’s with the faces and the dancing?
-I. HATE. THIS.
-His face keeps changing. I’m so terrified. YAWN.
-End. End now.
-I may give this whole thing up if this doesn’t end right fucking now.
Q is for Questionnaire by Rodney Ascher
-God, I’m tired. Need to do this earlier in the evening for ABC’s of Death 3.
-This is a cool idea though. Always do wonder about those kinds of street surveys.
-That guy looks familiar. I’ll look him up later.
-Like the logic questions.
-What the hell are they doing with his brain?
-Funny. Good ending.
R is for Roulette by Marvin Krenn
-Black and white. Cool.
-Russian Roulette. Cool.
-Oh, they want to die. Interesting.
-Why though? Don’t know what to make of this.
-A lot of these feel like mini Tales from the Crypt episodes.
-Is there a monster upstairs?
-Oh he spared her. Clever. I get it now.
S is for Split by Juan Martinez Marano
-Oh just open the fucking door lady! I’m running out of patience.
-You know what? Split screens can really work if you use em right.
-So this is a mini home invasion thriller. Cool.
-Lots of brown blood in this movie. Weird.
-Jesus, that was brutal!
-Dark as shit.
-Well told. Suspenseful.
T is for Torture Porn by Jen and Sylvia Soska
-Yep. Private casting calls are fucked up.
-And this is a PORNO casting call? Shit. That’s a thousand times worse I bet.
-I wish this girl would just kill everybody.
-This is seedy and gross. Think it’s supposed to be.
-I still feel sick though.
-Wait a minute, I’m getting my wish!
-V/H/S did this better. Still fun though.
-Scumbags get what they deserve.
U is for Utopia by Vincenzo Natali
-Begins with a close up of the letter ‘U’. Subtle.
-Letter ‘U’s everywhere!
-Totalitarian society.
-What’s that robot thingy doing to him?-
Oh. Gross.
-Sort of interesting. Too short though.
V is for Vacation by Jerome Sable
-Fuck you found footage! GO AWAY! I hate you!
-Oh wait, it’s Face Time. That’s…better?
-These are completely hateful characters.
-Too much of this film is misogynistic, with bullshit excuses to make up for it.
-Scumbags get what they deserve again. But was this worth watching to get to that?
-Not as good as T.
W is for Wish by Steven Kostanski
-A He-man type board game commercial. Oh, I’m in love.
-THOSE ARE ACTUAL ACTION FIGUES I GREW UP WITH!
-Yep, living in He-man’s world would have sucked.
-This is an 80’s toy commercial gone mad.
-‘Fantasy Man’! HA! Great!
-Great stop motion animation!
-‘Sleep Fagnor, my old friend’. Best line of the movie.
-Wonderful. My favorite next to J and A.
X is for Xylophone by Julien Maury and Alexandre Bustillo
-Xylophone, I assume. Has to be. Must be hard if you’re assigned the letter X.
-All this is so far is a girl banging on a xylophone while her babysitter looks pissed.
-SOMETHING HAPPEN! YOU ONLY HAVE A FEW MINUTES!
-Now, there’s a young couple.
-Ugh. DUH. I guessed that would happen way too early.
-Xylophones kinda look like bones after all.
-Lame.
Y is for Youth by Socihi Umezawa
-She looks like the girl from The Ring.
-Oh that’s cuz she’s turned around.
-Her mom just turned into a dog.
-And it’s shooting pencils out of its mouth.
-Her dad is now pulling a guitar out of his mouth.
-WHAT IS GOING ON? Wait, is she imagining these things?
-Ok, this is a very cool fantasy idea, imagining horrible things happening to your parents.
-I hated my parents sometimes but I never fantasized about a giant killer hamburger eating them.
-OR A GIANT DICK.
-Asian cinema is weird, you guys.
-I liked it a lot it though.
Z is for Zygote by Chris Nosh
-Last one. It has been a long night.
-Oh great idea, eat weird roots to stop your baby from coming out.
-This is gonna end well.
-Lotta maggots in this movie.
-So she’s absurdly pregnant now.
-Something very creepy about a girl talking to her mother while still in the womb.
-Another weird parent/child metaphor going on here.
-God this is gross. How often have I written that?
-Is she supposed to be her daughter now?
-I’m confused.
-And I’m done. Peace out guys, it’s been real.
GET CHOMPED