Friends, gamers, Internet denizens, I Mike Staub have taken up a quest with my good friend Jordan (Huey) Hue. We have decided to take some of our ever-diminishing free time and fill it with the nonsensical hilarity of Super Mario. While playing through Mario it’s not too out of the norm to hear very colorful language, gasps of bewilderment, and undying hatred for some rather adorable creatures. Don’t get us started on Tubular, one of the hardest Mario stages in existence, that one cost us dozens of lives. So as we start this series of posts, I want to let you know that I still love Mario and everything about his games. They just can be incredibly frustrating at times. Here are our least favorite villains.
5. Chargin’ Chuck (Super Mario World)
Oh Chargin’ Chuck, your football pads and sports equipment makes so much sense in The Mushroom Kingdom. Chuck takes his love for all sorts of sports (well really just football and baseball) and decides to use his wonderful athletic ability to just come after Mario and kill him. Chuck will run you over, throw fastballs at your face, and punt footballs at you. Sometimes he even kills you with JUMPING JACKS! Remember doing those and other weird calisthenics in elementary school gym class? Well Chuck has made a whole system of deadly martial arts out of the jumping jack. What’s even better is that he doesn’t die with just one head bop. He keeps come at you until you hit him two more times. He also makes the stage Tubular just that more impossible. I hope Chargin’ Chuck ends up tearing his ACL and missing the season.
4. Cataquacks (Super Mario Sunshine)
Few games make me as angry as Super Mario Sunshine does. Super Mario Sunshine is one of the most unique Mario games ever made. Maybe not as weird as Hotel Mario or Mario Teaches Typing, but it’s weird. The Mushroom Kingdom is substituted with a tropical island, Mario is framed for a crime he did not commit, and as a convicted felon he must provide community service to clean up all the sludge that he supposedly created. So you shoot a lot of stuff with water. I actually really love Sunshine, I think it’s a wonderful game to play during the summer and provides a real challenge. Now for the Cataquacks. These things are terrible. They’re only purpose is to get in your way and flip you 20 feet in the air and force you to take damage as you hit the ground. They get in the way of every single stage they’re on. Oh yeah, and they make a comeback in Super Mario Galaxy, and they’re just as annoying. Sadly, I cannot find any annoying videos of Cataquacks online, so you’ll have to take my word for it. Cataquacks are THE WORST!
3.Fire Chomp (Super Mario Bros. 3)
Want to make a vertical scrolling level just about 30x’s harder? Add a family of Fire Chomps. These guys are so incredibly annoying that it’s making me angry as I write this description. These monsters are like chain chomps, but the chain is made out of fire, they fly, shoot fire, and eventually explode. First appearing in Super Mario Bros. 3, Fire Chomps have always shown up in the worst possible situations. Generally it’s when you’re trying your hardest to not fall to your death as the screen is trying to eat you. Their erratic flight patterns make them impossibly hard to predict as you often lose your power-up or accidentally commit Mario-cide just trying to jump on them. It doesn’t help that they shoot fire from their mouths, which is also hellbent on killing Mario and everything good, happy, and right in the world. Sometimes they team up and you spend 75% of your time trying not to be lit ablaze by their love of chaos. Luckily, they don’t last forever, once a fire chomp runs out of its trademark fire, they explode, like a bob-omb. Yeah those explosions can also kill you. It’s great isn’t it?
2. Hammer Bros. (Super Mario Bros.)
No fear that I have ever felt in my life equates to the fear of the Hammer Bros. There is a deep seething hatred in my gut for The Brothers Hammer. If there was an actual person who could “ruin everything” I’m pretty sure it’s one of the Hammer Bros. As Mario traverses the harsh (all mountain??) environment of the Mushroom Kingdom he has to dodge evil mushrooms, evil turtles, evil turtles with wings, and literal canons. It’s a pretty tough trek for an out-of-shape plumber. Then as if out of nowhere, like surprise flu, here come the freakin’ Hammer Bros. They have range, their patters make no sense, and they are incredibly deadly. I remember as a child seeing them for the first time and not knowing how to react. Luckily since then, my outlook has…really not changed at all. Why? Why throw these guys at us, why not just one at a time. Because brothers fight together, that’s why. Their hammers of death rain down from the skies in lobbed arcs of destruction. They have no love for anything civil. The Hammer Bros. live for carnage. They’re bad enough in Super Mario Bros., but now there are whole family of Hammer Bros.: Boomerang Bros., Giant Hammer Bros., Fire Bros., Ice Bros., and the worst…The Amazing Flyin’ Hammer Bro. A bro so bad that they only lost one “g”. While Jordan and I were playing Super Mario World, we both were physically ill each time the Amazing Flyin’ Bro. showed up. Just as if to say “screw you player, this game really does hate you”. Sadly, they look pretty awesome and gave us this great song, so great Conan O’Brien sorta stole it… (sorta)
1. Lakitu and Spiney
We all have that friend. That guy who likes to kick you while you’re down. The person who likes to remind you about how poorly you died on that last stage of Mario. The backseat gamer, driver, friend. This guy has ALL the answers yet only uses them to mock you when you fail. Lakitu is the videogame manifestation of that person. In the end we really don’t know why we keep that person around. Lakitu shows up to make any difficult stage impossible. Worrying about falling into a pit is the least of your worries where this jerk in a cloud decides to throw spiky balls at you that will kill upon impact. What’s better is that these spike balls actually turn into enemies. Not only do you have koopa troopas kicking their shells at you, Chargin’ Chucks trying to run you off the gridiron, and an actual Sun trying to destroy you (yes…A SUN), now you have spiky bug-things trying to kill you. Also, try to jump on them, it’ll kill you. Sometimes this jerk even follows you while you’re in WATER! He also likes to lure you with 1-up mushrooms only to punish you for your greed! He then joins “the team” as Mario’s personal camera man, or the guy who lets you know when to start your engines in Mario Kart. Just wait until he has to fish you out of the water though…which his smug look and condescending personality. He also reminds you when you’re going the wrong way…as if YOU DIDN’T ALREADY KNOW THAT! Seriously…end him.