Setting: The break room of a depressing office building.
Charles, a high functioning alcoholic, sits alone nursing a cup of coffee and fighting a massive hangover. He scrolls through his phone and continually loosens his tie.
Enter Daniel, a low functioning alcoholic who has bits of egg on his face. He seems very upset.
CHARLES: Hey man, what’s going–
DANIEL: (Shouting) THE DOCTOR IS A LADY!
CHARLES: (Spilling coffee) JESUS! (Wiping pants, grumbling) Yeah man, I heard. You excited about it?
DANIEL: What are you insane? NO! It’s terrible! I’ve been a fan of this show since I was a wee boy! He’s always been a guy! Why can’t I have a male hero?
CHARLES: …Well you had a male hero for over fifty years so…
DANIEL: THAT’S NOT ENOUGH!
CHARLES: And like, every hero in pop culture is male. Like every one. Wonder Woman is the exception.
DANIEL: NOT THE POINT! It’s just…some things are sacred.
CHARLES: Sure. Some things are. But a BBC show from the 60’s that’s mostly made for families to watch is not one of those things.
DANIEL: Well still! I mean, who is my son supposed to look up to?
CHARLES: Um…Iron Man. Batman. Superman. Spider-man. Captain America…
CHARLES: Star-Lord. Groot. Drax. Jason Bourne. James Bond. Doctor Strange. Sherlock Holmes. Thor.
CHARLES: Or show him one of the over 300 episodes of Doctor Who where The Doctor is played by a man.
CHARLES: Or you know, you could tell your son that maybe he should look up to real people and not fictional characters. And that he can look up to anybody who inspires him, male, female, or otherwise.
DANIEL: BUT IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE!
CHARLES: What doesn’t?
DANIEL: How can he just…regenerate into a woman? Why has it never happened before?
CHARLES: Well, it happened with The Master…
DANIEL: I DON’T WANNA TALK ABOUT THAT.
CHARLES: Ok. Gotcha.
DANIEL: It just doesn’t make sense. According to the Time Lords…
CHARLES: Hold up. Hold up there. You do know why the whole regeneration thing came up in the first place right?
DANIEL: Of course. (Scoffs) That’s how Time Lord DNA works. They get twelve regenerations but The Doctor got a reprieve because reasons…
CHARLES: No, no. I mean, why the show started this?
DANIEL: Cuz they obviously researched Time Lords with extreme efficiency.
CHARLES: You do know Time Lords aren’t real?
DANIEL: We can’t know that for sure.
CHARLES: Okay. Well, let’s just pretend they aren’t.
DANIEL: (Grumbles) If you say so.
CHARLES: So, how do you think they came up with this regeneration business then?
DANIEL: Well, they spent years crafting a rich, detailed mythology…
CHARLES: Actually, they didn’t. The show was a surprise hit when it first aired but then William Hartnell got too sick to continue with the role. So they just made up the regeneration process to keep the show going. They didn’t want to lose a hit. They literally made it up on the spot.
CHARLES: Yeah, and then when they realized they could just keep casting new people, it became an easy way to keep the cash cow going.
DANIEL: Huh. BUT STILL THE DOCTOR HAS ALWAYS BEEN A MAN.
CHARLES: Yeah, but what’s wrong with a change? Aren’t you tired of guys in the role?
DANIEL: I’M NEVER TIRED OF GUYS.
CHARLES: (Pause) Ok. But don’t you think the show has kinda been in a rut the past few years? It needs something to spice things up.
DANIEL: THIS WON’T DO IT! THERE’S A FEMINIST AGENDA HERE.
CHARLES: So what if there is? What’s wrong with feminism?
DANIEL: NOTHING! NOTHING AT ALL!!!!!!! I love women. It’s just…I don’t like it when anyone forces an agenda on me.
CHARLES: But don’t you agree that men and woman should be equal?
DANIEL: Of course. But I don’t like the agenda.
CHARLES: (Scratches head)
DANIEL: Besides, there’s been lots of great female companions on Doctor Who. One of them even got her own show.
CHARLES: Yeah, but you just said it. The woman’s role is one of ‘companion’. Not lead. Not hero. Companion. Someone who is defined by their relationship with an older, wiser character. And you’re right. Some of the companions have had terrific arcs and are really complex characters. But none of them have ever been The Doctor.
DANIEL: Right! And they can’t be! CUZ IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE!
CHARLES: You keep going back to this thing about how it doesn’t make sense. Can I ask you a few questions?
DANIEL: (Wipes egg further up his face) I guess.
CHARLES: The regeneration process makes sense to you? It makes sense that, rather than dying, a Time Lord can change his personality and become someone else? Someone with all the same memories but who is, for all intents and purposes, a completely different person? And that this can happen a finite number of times unless some more powerful Time Lords say otherwise because reasons?
DANIEL: Absolutely. No holes in logic there at all.
CHARLES: And all the time travel stuff? You’re good with all that?
CHARLES: Daleks? You’re good with them? How The Doctor keeps wiping them out but they keep coming back? You’re fine with the deadliest race in the universe looking like trash bins with toilet plungers sticking out of them? Fine with them all having the same British accent? Fine with them never upgrading?
DANIEL: Why do they need to upgrade? They’re perfect.
CHARLES: Right. Cybermen? You’re good with them?
DANIEL: Except for that big one.
CHARLES: I’m with you there. Weeping Angels?
DANIEL: I’ve seen them in real life.
CHARLES: Sure. What about all the time travel paradoxes? What about the fact that the Earth keeps being invaded by aliens and no one ever seems to remember this? What about the time there were dinosaurs on a spaceship? What about how ALL the Doctors teamed up to put Gallifrey in a pocket universe? What about how NOTHING about River Song adds up?
DANIELS: Nitpicks! Those questions are just the result of joyless bastards being mean to my show. And everything you just asked me about totally makes sense. I can show you the websites that map out exactly how all 13 Doctors were able to band together…
CHARLES: I’m good on that. Thanks. So you’re fine with ALL of the above but as soon as The Doctor becomes a woman…
DANIEL: IT MAKES NO SENSE.
CHARLES: Got it.
DANIEL: And they’re just doing it for shock value.
CHARLES: You lost me. What?
DANIEL: They’re just doing it to get attention.
CHARLES: Isn’t that generally the goal of a TV show? To get attention?
DANIEL: Yeah, but this is just to appease SJWs and was done by the PC police.
CHARLES: Well, a lot of people have been asking for a female Doctor for years, including the show’s creator. And the show has hinted at it a bunch so I don’t think this is that big a surprise.
DANIEL: I WAS SURPRISED!
CHARLES: And I don’t think it has a lot to do with SJWs and the PC Police. I just think it’s a good change. The…the um…(takes a deep breath, grits teeth)…mythology in Doctor Who allows for this to happen. Time Lords aren’t specific to one gender. They’ve said this multiple times.
DANIEL: Well, that makes no sense.
CHARLES: Back to that again, are we? And listen, if it’s done to appease SJWs what’s wrong with that? Why are social justice warriors a bad thing? Social justice is important and there’s a severe lack of representation in film and TV in terms of women, the LGBT community, black people, Asian people—
DANIEL: (Puts hands over ears) LALALALALALALALALALALA I CANT HEAR YOU.
CHARLES: (Pulls hands down. Shouts) And for fuck’s sake, this isn’t even that huge of a leap forward! Yeah, they cast a woman but they also cast a really young, attractive, white woman! I was hoping for Olivia Colman or Michaela Coel!
CHARLES: They cast the person most likely to make this change palatable for morons like you! They weren’t pandering to SJWs. They were pandering TO YOU! The system is so goddam rigged that we have to celebrate small incremental changes while entitled pricks like you whine SOOOO MUCH that when someone tries to make a change, they have to make the easiest possible one just to get you to SHUT THE FUCK UP!
DANIEL: (Keeps screaming and starts hitting himself in the head)
CHARLES: AND YOU’RE NEVER FUCKING SATISFIED! You’re so wrapped up in your own goddamn childhood–
DANIEL: (Openly weeping and sucking his thumb) They’re ruining my childhood!
CHARLES: Oh really? HOW THE FUCK ARE THEY DOING THAT? Did they take a TARDIS and travel in your past and punch you in the face and kill your dog? Did they burn your house down? Murder your parents? NO! They’re taking a FICTIONAL ALIEN FROM A KID’S TV SHOW and putting a woman in the part! You can still watch ALL your old episodes! This does not taint them at all!
DANIEL: (Blubbering) But it doesn’t…it doesn’t make…
CHARLES: If you say it doesn’t make sense, so help me I will fly to England and spend the rest of my entire life trying to get them to cast a 97 year old grandmother in the part! (Thinks for a moment) And I would actually watch that.
DANIEL: But what’s next? A female Iron Man?
CHARLES: Um…they’ve already got that.
CHARLES: Yeah! And don’t you dare start on ‘a female James Bond? A female Santa?’ Don’t say any of that nonsense. You’re the one making that leap! And even if they did give us a female Santa or a female Bond, would that be so bad?
DANIEL: BUT THAT WOULDN’T MAKE SENSE!
CHARLES: That does it.
Charles gets on a plane to England and immediately starts a campaign to get Maggie Smith to play The Doctor.