Annabelle is fucking terrible. It’d be the worst movie of the year if Leprechaun: Origins didn’t already hold that title. And yet every person whom I’ve shared this information with has said, “well I have to see it anyway.” No. No you don’t have to see it people!! YOUR LIVES ARE WORTH MORE!! I only went to see it because I figured I should review it for this site but I found nothing to say about it beyond, “it’s a complete fucking failure”. It doesn’t even provide cheap jump scares. But since you’re all insisting that you’re still gonna go see it, I am going to make one last attempt to save your time and money. If it’s killer dolls you want, here are some much better movies than Annabelle. Granted, the bar was set very low so not all these movies are even good. They’re just better.
5.
Any Chucky Movie
Literally any of them. Just pick one. Even the worst, Curse of Chucky which went straight to video last year, is miles better than Annabelle. The first is the best because it understood that a killer doll should not have a giant sign over its head that says, “I am an evil demon from hell who wants to eat your soul”, as Annabelle does. Chucky was creepy because he looked so innocent. That’s why it was scary when he started stabbing people. And yeah, his movies turned into jokey bullshit as they went on (Bride of Chucky and Seed of Chucky are straight up comedies) but even they were at least moderately entertaining. Can’t say the same for a single scene in Annabelle.
4.
Tales From the Hood
Ok, I’m cheating cuz there’s really only one story in this horror anthology that fits the bill. It’s a damn good one though and Tales from the Hood is a solid horror flick overall. I’d recommend watching the whole thing. Anyway, the story that features killer dolls is called ‘KKK Comeuppance’ and stars Corbin Bernsen as a sleazy, racist politician running for Governor. He buys an old southern plantation where many slaves were tortured and killed and uses it as his home base. Needless to say, the community ain’t too pleased about this and neither are the souls of the dead slaves. A local legend says that an old voodoo witch transferred the slaves’ souls into little wooden dolls. Bernsen doesn’t believe in such nonsense but is soon up to his neck in these creepy little fuckers that have very sharp teeth. He has a blast playing this racist asshole who you can’t wait to get killed and the dolls are appropriately goofy and scary. This whole flick is a lot of fun and there’s only one weak story. I mean come on, any movie that contains the following line of dialogue is well worth your attention: “If a dead mother-fucker come fuckin with you, you kill his ass, understand me?” Wise advice.
3.
Dolls
Stuart Gordon’s Dolls isn’t great or even very good. If you’re unfamiliar with his work, check out From Beyond or Re-animator before checking out this one. It’s pretty boring, the acting is terrible, and it doesn’t really go anywhere. It does have lots of creepy killer dolls though! And they are very well animated. So there, it beats Annabelle.
2.
Small Soldiers
What’s your problem? Don’t give me that look. Do you remember the criteria for this list? It had to consist of movies that featured killer dolls and were better than Annablle. Remember that? Good, so stop scoffing. After all, what’s Small Soldiers about again? Killer action figures, that’s right. And what’s another word for action figure? Yep. Doll. You got it. Look, there aren’t a lot of good killer doll movies out there! Both Puppet Master and Demonic Toys blow chunks. So I decided to list this one. Cut me some slack.
1.
Magic
Before Anthony Hopkins became Hannibal Lecter, he played another psychopath in Richard Attenborough’s disturbing, fascinating Magic. It’s the best movie on this list by far. Hopkins plays Charles ‘Corky’ Withers, a failed magician who becomes successful after incorporating a foul-mouthed ventriloquists dummy named Fats into his act. His popularity increases and he is even offered his own television show but freaks out once his agent (Burgess Meredith) tells him he needs a psychological evaluation. Fats is taking over the act and Hopkins is communicating through the dummy a little too much. He doesn’t want to hear it though and heads for the Catskills where he rekindles a relationship with an old friend from high school (Ann Margaret). Magic starts out as an insightful look into the world of show business. The first scene finds Hopkins screaming at an ungrateful crowd and it perfectly captures the dismay a performer feels when his audience is not up to snuff. Afterwards, the movie becomes an equally insightful study of madness. Fats the dummy begins to take over every aspect of Hopkins’ life and becomes increasingly jealous of the relationship with his high school sweetheart. The movie wisely never comes out and says if Corky is crazy or if Fats is being controlled by some real, dark ‘magic’. There are scenes that suggest both and it becomes up to you to decide what’s real and what isn’t. The film’s best scene occurs at about the midpoint when Corky’s agent visits him in the mountains and asks him to make Fats ‘shut-up for just five minutes’. The suspense is palpable as Hopkins tries so hard to be himself, but he barely lasts thirty seconds before Fats takes control. Hopkins is magnificent here. He creates a psycho we can identify with much more than Hannibal the Cannibal. And Fats the Dummy would make Chucky piss his pants and cry for mommy.
GET CHOMPED